Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
