Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
