Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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