I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
