come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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