The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
