i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
