I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Alive.
So much puke
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
