you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
