Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
