We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
