She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
