I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
