I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
