I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
