So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
