Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You're like the curious george of whores
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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