I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
