Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
