when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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