he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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