What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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