just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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