somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
