You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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