he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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