God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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