my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
