The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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