omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
