i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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