I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
