I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
