Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
