I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
