Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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