i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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