I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
