I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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