New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
