He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
