another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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