I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
