what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
