Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Randomize
