Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
