Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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