Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
