girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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