Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
