I want to have your abortion
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I supernannyed him into submission
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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