Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
